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View Profile TacticalShoe
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

Age 35, Male

Joined on 7/2/05

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May MWC Entry

Posted by TacticalShoe - May 22nd, 2009


Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Jesus Christ, it's only 6:12; I'm going to lose my mind. I'm going to sit here in this room in this chair and I'm going to go out of my mind. This sucks.

Okay, okay, okay, just think about something else, that'll help. Umm, let's see, what can I think about?.... Oh, I know, I'll think about that episode of Larimore's Pond that I watched last night, that'll keep me occupied for a while. Man, that episode was really good, I mean, who would have thought that Danielle was really Jason's sister, that's crazy. But, really, at the same time, that's creepy because I'm pretty sure that they had sex at the end of that one episode. I mean, I think that they had sex because all the lights in the house went out and they were all like, holding hands and shit when they went in the front door. Can't really judge that, though, I mean, maybe they went inside and played video games and only turned off the lights because the of the glare that the one lamp in Jason's living room puts out. Yeah, that sounds about right, I guess. Wait... what about the next episode where the two of them woke up next to each other naked and they like, made out and stuff? Oh man, I guess they really did have sex....that must be really awkward for the two of them. If I had sex with my sister, I think that I'd have to like, move away or something; just get away from her, at least.

Okay, this is getting kind of creepy with all of the incest and whatnot, I think I should.... think about something else. Man, thinking about stuff is hard to do. I guess the news was right, Americans do watch too much TV and we are getting dumber. Actually, that's probably right considering the fact that I just had an entire mental conversation about an episode of a TV show that I just watched last night. It's even sadder because that was the first thing that came into my head instead of like, the meaning of life or something. Wait, that's it! I'll sit here and think about what the meaning of life is and maybe I'll have a breakthrough and write a book or something.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. 6:14.

So.... the meaning of life..... What is the meaning of life? I remember that one time that I asked Mr. Johnson from school about the meaning of life and he just told me that I had to figure it out for myself. Mr. Johnson was an asshole, you know? That guy was the most useless guidance counselor ever; he never guided me towards anything but the door out of his office. I remember what he told me when I asked him that question, too. He just told me that everyone had to find their own meaning of life and that the meaning would just come to me one day. That prick probably had the answer on a sheet of paper in his desk or something and he just gave me that bullshit answer to get me to leave his office. You know what, I'm glad that I burned his car up after that one football game, that guy was useless as Hell.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. 6:15.

Anyways, what was I thinking about?... Oh yeah, the meaning of life and all that bullshit. Well, the answer definitely isn't "find out for yourself" or whatever that idiot told me, that's for sure. Let's think for a minute, what could the meaning of life be? I remember that magazine that I read in the grocery store that one time when I was shopping for caviar and Ritz crackers that told me that the meaning of life was discovered by Boy George and he shared it exclusively with the magazine.

Wait, why was I buying caviar and Ritz crackers? Hmm.... oh yeah, they were for Denise's party that she threw for Marty from the office, that's right. Man, that party was awesome; especially the part where Marty got drunk and thought that he could fly like Icarus, that was awesome. I mean, it was really sad when Marty fell out of the window and died, but I feel like that night was pretty good overall. Wait, stop, don't get sidetracked by the awesome party where Marty died, you have better things to do.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Now, what did he say the meaning of life was? Was it cheese? No, it wasn't cheese. Cheese was the answer to Final Jeopardy last night, stupid. If it wasn't cheese, what was it? Wait, did he say that the meaning of life was lawnmowers? I think that's what he said it was, yeah.

Lawnmowers? What the fuck do lawnmowers have to do with the meaning of life? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I get it. That one time when I was riding the lawnmower in the back yard and I was mowing grass, like I usually do when I ride lawnmowers, and I was riding towards that piece of paper; I remember. I was riding towards the piece of paper and I was all like, "I should get off and get that piece of paper but I'm too lazy to get off of the lawnmower." So instead of getting off of the mower and getting it, I just ran it over and shredded it into a million pieces that immediately went all over the yard. And then I was all like, "Oh shit, I'll just run those over and keep shredding them until they're all gone." And then I did that and it took me like 3 hours to mow the lawn, that's right.

So, the lawnmower represents me and the lawn represents the course that I must take to complete my life. And the paper represents the challenges that I must face in life and I can either get off the mower and handle my problems head on or I can run the paper over and avoid my problems until they get shredded up until they become several problems that make my life really difficult. Man, that shit was deep, I'm surprised. I really hope that what I just said wasn't what Boy George said because that shit should really go in like, a magazine or on a bumper sticker or something. I know, I'll put that up at my MySpace headline and maybe it'll catch on. Wait, that'll never work, no one checks my page any more since I put up that one techno song that everyone hates. Oh well, it's their loss, the stupid, non-techno-liking ingrates. If they can't appreciate good club music, then they don't deserve to know the meaning of life.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. 6:16. Jesus...

Man, since when was my ceiling covered in little bumps? I guess that I just never noticed that before, I guess. I mean, it's not like I come home from work and I'll all like, "Hey, what's going on with my ceiling today?" There sure are a lot of those little bumps, though. Maybe I should count the little bumps on the ceiling just to pass the time. No, don't do that, that's what a crazy person does and I am definitely sane, that's for sure.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. 6:18. This is getting ridiculous.

Drip-drop, drip-drop, drip-drop. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Oh my God, you fucking annoying faucet, stop dripping! Jesus Christ, I can't even hear myself think about deep and meaningful things with this stupid dripping going on. Okay, turning both of the knobs doesn't stop it, what do I do know? Oh, I know, I'll put a sponge underneath of it, that'll work. There we go, dripping is all gone and I can think again. I wonder who invented the sponge. Like, what guy was sitting in his house and thinking, "Man, I wish that this entire bowl of water could be absorbed and stored in one convenient but squishy location." And then he was all like, "I know, I'll invent something that is full of holes to hold all of this water." And all of his friends called him a dumbass for inventing something that was full of holes with the express purpose of holding water. But those guys got showed up, didn't they? That guy invented the sponge and got all rich and shit, that's awesome.

And his friends were all probably like, "Hey bro, we're sorry for making fun of your sponge, can we come over and bounce on your trampoline?" I mean, if I invented the sponge and got rich, I'd probably get a trampoline and go to town on that thing. But the sponge guy, he doesn't forget about the people who mocked him and he's all like, "No assholes, you can't bounce on my trampoline," and then he presses a button and armed guards come out and shoot his friends. Man, the sponge guy is really ruthless and scary for a guy who just invented a squishy water thing.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. 6:20.

Knock-knock, knock-knock, knock-knock. IT'S FINALLY HERE!

Oh yes, my endless minutes of waiting have paid off and my pizza is finally here! Okay, got my money and I've got enough to pay for the pizza and to tip the delivery guy. I just hope that he isn't a weirdo because I can't stand weird people, they drive me crazy.


Comments

I just finally read it over on the contest page, and I thought it was fantastic. I usually dislike these kinds of stories that follow the stream of consciousness, but this was gold. Although I wish I could've commented earlier, just wanted to thank you for giving me quite a few laughs.