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View Profile TacticalShoe
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

Age 35, Male

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Posted by TacticalShoe - May 31st, 2008


That Smell

Overlooked. That's what she was, really. Julia Fern had never been a woman that had attracted a lot of attention to her. She was a rather plain looking woman in her mid-30's that had never been considered incredibly beautiful or attractive by those around her. Now, she had dated before, but her relationships had always been with men who were on her "level," as it were. And after years and years of this kind of life, Julia was beginning to become tired of it all. She wanted to be thought of as attractive, a woman who turned heads as she walked down the street, a goddess of beauty in a dismal world. It came to the point that Julia's self-esteem was completely drained and she couldn't bear to look at herself in the mirror any more.

With this attitude about herself, Julia tried all sorts of radical solutions to make herself more beautiful; she bought entire wardrobes of fashionable clothes that she saw in magazines, she used all manners of expensive make-ups and creams for her face, but nothing seemed to work. More than once, she had contemplated surgery, but her lack of funds and bravery had quelled her urges for drastic beauty solutions. And just when all seemed to be hopeless for Julia, her television let her in on the newest thing in attractiveness, Tropical Envy.

Julia had been watching TV on a Sunday afternoon, something usual for her as it was her one full day off from the financial office that she worked at. She had been flipping through the channels, hoping to find something watch-able when she heard an energetic voice say what she had been thinking.

"Do you want to be more attractive than any person that you know?" the announcer asked.

"Yes," replied Julia as if she were actually talking to the TV.

"Do you want people to stop in their tracks and notice you?" the voice continued.

"Yes," replied Julia, moving towards the TV.

"Do you want people to knock each other over to be near you?"

"YES," shouted Julia, completely incensed.

"If you do, then Tropical Envy is the thing for you," proclaimed the announcer proudly. "Tropical Envy is a radical new perfume made by the Le'Blue Charise Corporation, the company that brought you Moonlight Sonata body lotion and Sunflower Passion lipstick. Our new perfume is the best perfume ever made, guaranteed to turn heads wherever you go while you wear it."

The commercial continued, but Julia wasn't paying attention any more. After the last statement, she started to pace around her apartment excitedly, like a child on Christmas Eve. After all the years, all the different things she had tried, she seemed to have finally found her solution. Julia's thinking was interrupted by the announcer's loud proclaiming of the number that needed to be called to attain the perfume in question; Julia quickly wrote down the number and went to retrieve her telephone. She hurriedly punched in the numbers, her fingers shaking with anticipation. The phone rang once, twice, three times before a voice on the other end answered her.

"Hello, you've reached the Le'Blue Charise corporation, how are you doing, Julia?"

"W-wait," Julia stuttered," how do you know my name?"

"Well, that's not important right now, Julia; all that matters is that you saw the commercial. You did see it, didn't you?" the voice asked.

"Yes, yes, that's why I'm calling, I'd like to buy the perfume, I need it," replied Julia.

"Oh, I know you need it, Julia, you need it badly, don't you?"

"I do, I do, now can I order it?" asked Julia frenziedly.

"Why would you need to do that, it's already arrived," said the voice, accompanied by two knocks on Julia's apartment door.

Julia quickly put down her phone and went to her door and opened it. Outside of her door was a short, chubby man wearing a frilly white dress shirt and light-blue dress pants with white shoes, holding a cellular phone in one hand and a small box in the other. The man was very round in the face and he had a small mustache that curled on the ends; he was wearing horn-rimmed glasses and his hair was combed in a vicious comb-over style. To Julia, he looked like an extra in a 1970's porn movie.

"Julia", said the man, "my name is Jeffery Potts and I represent the Le'Blue Charise Corporation. Am I to understand that you wish to attain some of our new Tropical Envy perfume?"

"Yes, I'd like to buy some of it, if that's fine," replied Julia.

"Buy it? Oh, heavens no, you can't do that," said the man, very dramatically.

"Why not?" asked Julia.

"Because... I'm giving it to you. Consider it a.... free trial," and with that, Jeffery handed the box to Julia, turned on his heel, and walked away down the hallway.

Julia thought about asking the strange man a question, but her excitement overcame her and she rushed back into her apartment to open the box. She quickly opened the box and sorted through the packaging until she found the perfume. Very delicately, Julia removed the perfume bottle from the box and held it in her hand to examine it. It looked like any other ordinary perfume bottle that Julia had ever seen; it was made of glass and had a spray nozzle on the top, fairly standard, thought Julia. The label on the bottle read: Tropical Envy, and was accompanied by a small graphic of some palm trees in the background. After checking out the bottle, Julia got up to throw away the box, but knocked it over by accident. As she was picking up the box and it's packaging, Julia noticed a small piece of paper lying beneath the clutter. She picked up the piece of paper and noticed that there was writing on it.

The paper read: WARNING, OVER-APPLICATION OF PRODUCT IS ILL-ADVISED AND SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE DONE. Under the ominous warning, smaller writing simply stated: One spritz of perfume per day is the recommended application, do not exceed. Julia studied this for a moment because she found it odd that a simple perfume would have this kind of warning on it. After all, it was only a smell, right? She didn't give any more thought to the warning after that, as she normally only used one spray of perfume normally, anyway. After a few more seconds of examining the bottle, Julia decided that it was time for her to go to sleep and get some rest for work in the morning. She put the bottle down on her kitchen table and then went straight to bed.

On the following morning, Julia got ready for work the same way she always did, she made breakfast, watched the morning news, make herself "beautiful," and then got dressed in her standard business attire. Today, however, there was one difference; she had her special perfume to put on. As she picked up the bottle to spray on the perfume, Julia noticed that she was shaking, as if this one spritz of perfume was going to change her entire life. Pushing the spray tip down very slowly, Julia carefully sprayed on exactly one spritz of perfume, as per the instructions on the bottle. Once the perfume had come out of the bottle, however, Julia could not make out any kind of smell whatsoever. She smelled the nozzle on the bottle, but still could not make out any kind of scent at all. Feeling somewhat foolish for merely standing around and smelling herself and a bottle, Julia put the perfume in her purse and left her apartment for work.

In a very convenient sort of luck, Julia had the good fortune to be able to work in a well paying job and to be able to walk to that job from where she lived. Julia's job at the administrative offices for the city that she lived in was only 3 blocks away from her apartment, something that she was thankful for every day, as it saved her from spending money on gasoline for a car and it allowed her significant time in the morning to get ready without having to rush off. Walking down the street did, however, drain Julia's spirits somewhat, as she always expected men to turn and look at her as she walked by, something that never happened. Today, however, was a different day, as Julia's trek to work was much more fulfilling than her previous ones. As Julia walked, she began to notice men following her with their eyes after she had walked past them. Their hungry looks made her feel embarrassed as well as proud, something that she had never experienced before in her life. Even some of the men that Julia normally saw on her daily commute were significantly more pleasant to her as she walked by.

"Good morning, Julia!" shouted Gabe, the man who ran the news stand, someone who normally didn't even bother to look at Julia. Today, however, he seemed to be having trouble keeping himself inside the stand, as he was leaning very far out of it to keep waving to Julia as she walked away.

Every man that Julia passed, in fact, seemed to be having a difficult time containing themselves, something that Julia didn't mind at all. Men all around her were bumping into things as they struggled to keep eyes on her and walk at the same time. One poor man on a bike ran into a car because he was too focused on Julia to watch where he was going; even so, he stood right up and continued watching Julia as he bled from his nose. To make things even more chaotic, drivers in the street seemed to be paying too much attention to Julia to keep driving well, as many of them ran into other drivers and the rest simply stopped their cars in the street and got out to follow Julia. To her, it was like a scene in a romantic movie and it made her feel even more special. The one strange thing that Julia did notice was that women seemed to have no idea why Julia was so attention-grabbing. Julia figured that they would at least smell the perfume, but not a single woman that she came in contact with showed any signs of noticing Julia's new attractiveness beyond the confusion they showed towards Julia's new entourage.

'Well,' Julia thought, ' it's not like I wanted them to notice, anyway.'

As she entered the front door of the office building that she worked in, Julia turned around to see an entire crowd of men still following her from the street. The men reached the door, began to open it, but then seemed to think better of it and went back to their own commutes. Laughing to herself, Julia walked through the main lobby of the building and approached the front desk, where her friend Lisa worked.

"Morning, Julia," said Lisa, "that crowd with you?"

"Oh, them?" said Julia, taking out the bottle of Tropical Envy and spraying herself a second time for dramatic effect, "they're just my adoring public."

"Well," replied Lisa, "it's good to see that random people like following you around."

"Yeah," chuckled Julia," I suppose it is." And, in fact, the same thing that happened on the street seemed to be happening to Julia inside the office building as well. Men were walking in and standing around for a moment before locking onto Julia and approaching her quickly, like she was going to disappear at any moment. Being somewhat intimidated by a mob of men dashing towards her, Julia quickly said goodbye to Lisa and walked towards the elevators. But, as she entered the elevator, she noticed the mob of men pick up speed, quickly getting closer to her. Now frantic, Julia pressed the door close button repeatedly and prayed that her frenzied pressing somehow made the doors shut faster. Just as the mob reached the doors and tried to rush in, Julia's prayers were answered as the doors closed and she began to move upwards. Panting with fear, Julia leaned back against the wall of the elevator and hoped that no men got on it with her on the other floors. While she was rising, Julia began to wonder why the men were acting so strangely towards her. Her first thoughts were of the new perfume, the warning had said to only use one spray per day and her second application had been the precursor some very troubling events. Julia quickly quashed her thoughts, however, thinking that no mere perfume could make men go as wild as the ones in the lobby had.

The elevator reached Julia's floor and she quickly got out, hoping that she could reach her office and lock the door before more men managed to find her out. Almost running, Julia made her way to her office, cursing all the cubicles that she had to weave through in order to reach it. Luckily, Julia managed to get into her office without incident and locked the door behind her. She contemplated blockading it, but quickly erased the thought from her head as she realized what she was thinking.

Sitting down at her desk, Julia began her usual work routine of checking her e-mail, replying to the relevant ones and then reading over the endless stacks of paper that seemed to come with administrative work while staring blankly out into the office through the glass walls that framed the front of her office. For several hours, Julia went undisturbed by anyone except for the odd passerby that waved at her through the glass, something that she was all too happy to have happen after the incident in the lobby. But, as with most things that people enjoy, there were some complications to be had. About one hour after her lunch break had ended, Julia heard a loud knocking at her door and was displeased to see her boss, Mr. Holloway, lean around the door and stare at her through the front wall. Cursing silently to herself, Julia got up and began to move towards the door. But before she got there, she remembered that she had been sitting in her office with the door closed and it had become fairly hot inside. As a result, Julia now smelled of sweat and stale air, something that she did not want her boss to mistake for poor hygiene.

Julia quickly reached into her purse, took out the bottle of Tropical Envy, and reached up to spray some on herself. As she did, she remembered what the warning that had come with the bottle had said.

"One spritz a day," said Julia to herself. "Wait, am I really going to listen to some stupid peace of paper that came with a bottle of perfume given to me by some weird
fat guy? I think not." said Julia decisively.

She quickly sprayed more of the perfume on herself and went to open the door, hoping that her boss didn't think she was being weird or rude. Julia opened the door and saw her boss standing in front of her in all of his overweight, mid-40's glory.

"Julia," he began, "I wanted to ask you-" But before he could finish his sentence, he stopped talking and began sniffing around furiously, as if he was a dog. He sniffed and sniffed until he located the source of his current interest, Julia. His eyes popped out of his head and he let out a loud, primal yell as he reached for Julia. Julia screamed and quickly backed up and tried to shut the door. Mr. Holloway, however, did not seem to want to part company with Julia, as he shoved his arm through the gap in the doorway and tried to force the door back open. Julia screamed again and began kicking his arm to make it retract out of the doorway. After two or three hard, high-heeled kicks, Mr. Holloway pulled his arm out and Julia succeeded in closing the door. Crying and breathing heavily, Julia backed away from the door and looked out of the glass windows into the office to see Mr. Holloway furiously trying to batter the door down with his body and anything he could lay hands on.

The other office workers, attracted by all the noise, came over to see what all the commotion in front of Julia's office was all about. Upon seeing Mr. Holloway trying to break the door down with an office chair, several of the men on the floor ran over and tried to get him to stop his mad beating. But, when they approached Julia's office door and Mr. Holloway, they stopped, sniffed as he had, and then began beating on the door themselves, evidently driven mad by the same thing as Mr. Holloway. The other workers, having witnessed this scene unfold, scattered away and left Julia to fend for herself as they hurriedly tried to board the elevators. This left Julia alone on the floor with six insane men trying to beat down her door and get to her, something that she could not believe was happening to her.

"Well, Julia," said a voice, "how are you holding up?"

Julia turned around to find the source of the voice she had heard sitting at her desk with his feet propped up like he owned the place. Jeffery Potts was sitting in Julia's chair with a big smile on his face and a small piece of paper in his hand.

"Julia," he began, "do you remember what the warning said? I think it said to only use one spritz per day, didn't it?

"Yes," replied Julia, "but it's only perfume, right? It doesn't really matter."

"Oh, I think it does, Ms. Fern, I really do. You see, Tropical Envy is a special kind of perfume, a very special kind, indeed. It specifically targets the male scent glands, causing them to pick up a special kind of pheromone added into the perfume. This pheromone enters the mind and causes intense attraction, as with animals who are in heat, like cats or dogs," he added with smile. "Over-use of this product, however, overloads the male mind and causes them to go into a kind of frenzy, making the wearer of the perfume irresistible to them. It causes all men who take in the scent to become very.... energetic about finding the source of the smell. They become overly competitive and are driven to the brink of physical violence and madness, as you may have noticed with Mr. Holloway and your co-workers here."

"So," panted Julia, "what can I do about it?"

"Do about it?" Jeffery chuckled, " oh, you can't do a damn thing about it, I'm afraid. The pheromone takes 3 hours to wear off normally, but with three sprays," he
sighed, "it might take days."

Julia did not say anything; she merely sat and looked at the floor, tears running down her face. Behind her, the men continued to beat on the door and the windows steadily.

"Now, now," said Jeffery with a smile, "don't cry, it's not so bad. You did learn something, do you know that? You gained something very valuable from this experience. Would you like to know what it is?"

Julia simply nodded and then looked back at the floor.

"Well, you learned that you should always read warnings, for one," he smiled. Julia did not seem amused, as she looked up at him and started crying even harder than before.

"And, AND," he shouted, silencing Julia's cries, "you learned that you should always be true to yourself, Julia. You've spent your entire adult life hating yourself, hating the way that other people see you and you've tried everything in order to change that. Instead of trying to improve upon what you had, you tried radical methods to change your physical appearance, something so infuriating to me that I won't even talk about it any more. Hell," he laughed, "you've even used perfume from an infomercial that was delivered by a strange character like me to your front door. I suppose that if this entire experience could be condensed into the Cliff notes version, it would contain just one line: Be happy with what you've got, other wise, crazy men will try to rape and kill you."

In the background, the beating on the door intensified as several resounding cracks in the woodwork were heard.

"So," continued Jeffery, "that's where we are right now, any questions?"

Julia said nothing, she just continued to sit on the floor and cry like a small child.

"Hmmmm," sighed Jeffery," I suppose I'll just go, then. All this crying is a real downer on my life, you know?"

And then, Jeffery Potts, through some unexplainable force, disappeared into thin air. The door continued to strain against the pressure of the men pounding upon it behind her.

Julia blinked her eyes through her tears, unable to process the fact that a man had just vanished before her very eyes like some kind of apparition. She started to get up, but then, the door gave way.


Posted by TacticalShoe - May 8th, 2008


That is all.


Posted by TacticalShoe - March 30th, 2008


OK, so I've been doing some voice acting just to amuse myself in my spare time and I think it's gone pretty well so far. I've only submitted one of my boredom clips to the Audio Portal *, but I think it came out pretty well and was received fairly well, too.

But recently, I've decided that I want more of a challenge in my voice acting experiences. That is why I have decided to start taking ideas from the people here on Newgrounds; kinda like a request hour.

So just throw me a really basic concept or idea, i.e. dinosaurs or why Jesus was really killed or something like that and I'll make a short voice acting clip about it. Now, how I go about this clip is purely my business, so it might come out as a rant or it might come out as a skit, but I promise that it will be funny no matter what way I do it.

So, please, throw me some ideas.


Posted by TacticalShoe - March 12th, 2008


So, I have to admit something.

Right at this time, this moment in time, my life is........ going really well. Weird, right?

I mean, I've been getting A's on tests and essays and all of my classes are turning out really well no matter what gets thrown at me. For the first time in my college career, I feel like I'm having no trouble at all.

And what's more, my personal life is going great, too. I auditioned for a play that my theater program was doing and I got a part. A minor part, mind you, but still a part. Even better, I was told yesterday that I made it into my college's improv comedy show, something I have been gunning for all year. Despite the fact that I have a pretty bad infection of a certain organ in my body right now, my life is kicking some serious ass.

Thing is, though, I still have this weird feeling. A feeling like maybe I haven't done it all the right way. Like, a paranoia, you know? I constantly second guess my own abilities and talents to a degree that it's saddening. And even though my friends tell me that I'm really great and stuff, I don't trust them. That may sound odd, but it's the truth. I have no trust in what they tell me because I think they might be lying.

What if they're fucking with me? What if I'm really no good? What if they're not really my friends? Maybe this is some sick joke. This sounds really crazy and involved, but it's what I think. And even though I realize that my theories are completely retarded and make no sense, I still believe them. I think I need help.


Posted by TacticalShoe - March 8th, 2008


Link.

I have finally gotten around to submitting something to the audio portal here at NG. I would appreciate it if you folks would follow the link and listen to my work. All reviews are welcome and any criticism is always appreciated.

Also, votes help.


Posted by TacticalShoe - February 27th, 2008


I'm fat.

And I realize this. Of course, I don't think I'm obese in any kind of way, so I'm cool with that. But I was called fat today by a guy who I know is pushing 400. I only weigh 235, folks. And Hell, I'm not afraid to say that not all of it is any kind of muscle. Sure, I'm muscular, but in a stocky way, I understand that.

It just troubles me to be called fat, even though I sorta am. I mean, I'd rather be this size than weigh like, 150 pounds and be worthless in terms of manual labor.

I dunno, maybe I could stand to lose a little, but Jesus Christ, I'm almost 20. I think I can be a little big, I'm almost full grown.


Posted by TacticalShoe - February 11th, 2008


So, I recently went to see There Will Be Blood (GREAT movie, BTW). But as good as this movie was, stupid people ruined it for me and further strengthed my hatred.

Anyways, I came into the movie theater a little bit after a friend of mine who was seeing the movie too because I had to use the bathroom. I sat down one seat over from my friend because I like to have some room when I watch movies. Well, about 1 minute after I sat down, an older couple came in and sat down about 2 seats away from me. Now, the first thing I noticed is that they had a bag of popcorn with them. Not movie theater popcorn, but home popped popcorn (judging from the bag, at least). I don't mind people eating during movies, although it does annoy me that that people can't seem to go for a couple of hours without eating. Whatever.

So, this woman starts eating the popcorn, but the most annoying thing was the bag. Every time she reached into it, all I heard was KRINKLE KRINKLE. For 10 minutes she did this. I thought I was gonna have to get up and stab her. I couldn't move because the movie had started and I was boxed in for about 10 feet on all sides. So I had to deal with popcorn lady.

Then, about 5 minutes later (about 15 minutes into the movie, mind you), two more people come in and walk RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. They were apparently with the popcorn lady and her husband. They asked if the other two had saved seats for them, but because I was there, they couldn't sit down. So those two had to walk back a little and sit down. People, listen to me, if you're gonna see a movie, THEN SHOW UP ON TIME. Jesus, that shit is rude.

Well, after the other two, TWO MORE PEOPLE come in and sit down. This is roughly 20 minutes into the film, so this really pissed me off. These people, however, couldn't sit down anywhere else, so they had to ask me to move over DURING THE FILM so they could sit down. I moved, grudgingly, and let them sit down. And as if this wasn't enough they started friggin' talking during the movie.

Now, I used to do this when I was younger, but that was when I was like, 12. So you can understand my anger. I hate it when a movie as good as There Will Be Blood gets interrupted by retards who can't shut up.

So, that's my story. I hate people. My hatred for them causes me to hate going to the movies in return, so I hate them more for that.


Posted by TacticalShoe - February 1st, 2008


What you saw here.

* mysterious chord *

Don't Tell Anyone


Posted by TacticalShoe - January 15th, 2008


Ok, what we're gonna do here is have a little contest. In this contest, I plan to figure out who is creative enough to make up a really funny statement in the form of Robin's classic catchphrase from Batman.

All you guy need to do is fill in the blanks and post your submission in the comments. After like, 2 weeks, I'll pick a winner.

I'll start just for an example.

Holy people God shouldn't have wasted his time creating, Batman! It's Britney Spears!

Got it? Get it? Good.


Posted by TacticalShoe - November 18th, 2007


Oh man. It seems as though my Myspace came under the control of some fiendish person because I just posted a comment on my own page.

These people are sad, you know?

Pic Unrelated

LOL Myspace